Thursday, March 15, 2007


One of the more sobering messages I have received in a while...

Paul commented on a post of Nate's:

How long ago was it that I told you my observation of “gay/bi married men blogs?”

Those men that keep writing eventually come out/divorce/move out; those that decide to remain married stop writing or at least change the focus of their writings.

It wasn’t a year ago, but it was probably 6-8 months ago. I remember a couple of times you stopped writing, indicating that you just wanted to right-size TGT. But you were always compelled to write again. I guess looking back; I shouldn’t be surprised at your destination. It has been conflicted at times. Yes, you spoke of wanting, more than anything, to retain the family life and partner that mean so much to you... But, you always kept writing of the journey. Stopping wasn’t an option.

Then, in response to an e-mail, he went on to say:

I know that blogging (about being bi/gay/married) itself has nothing to do with what ends a marriage. However, I would guess that it's the seriousness of the issue, and need for introspection and dialogue, that drives many guys to blog.

My observation about outcomes obviously is based on a rather small sample. Probably there are about 75-100 blogs I dropped-in-on, or followed, or continue to read that deal with this topic. [That sounds like a rather LARGE sample in Blogville to me, sez the Troll.]

Somehow, about a year and a half ago, I first ran across A_____ at S___ S___. I distinctly remember the night he told his wife he was gay (it was Valentine's Day) that he wrote a post indicating that everything was going to be fine and that he and his wife were going to stay married. In the weeks/months that followed, he continued to write about the gay issues. And lo and behold, he shortly thereafter posted that they were going to separate, and they eventually divorced.

Over time I began to realize that guys that wrote, and wrote, and wrote (even after they often said that they weren't going to write any more) all ended up in dissolved marriages... However, several guys seemed to stop blogging about the issue, because I assume -- or they directly said -- that they wanted to focus more on being married rather than being gay.

This is upsetting on a number of fronts, first and foremost among them the simple fact that I kept blogging, and specifically told Her Who May Not Be Named [oh, say, Isis] that I couldn't stop. She took that as a sign that I had on some level, already moved out -- that my primary, or at least sole, emotional commitment was no longer to her. And looking back, at least through the lens of Paul's comment, she was right to see that I had.

I said she wasn't, but she was. And there's the hook, for all of you who keep wondering why I beat myself up all the time: it was the breach of emotional commitment, not a breach by physical contact, that queered the punch, to coin a phrase.

The second upsetting thing is that I couldn't see it. I kept saying that none of the men I was talking to meant to me anything like what she meant to me. Yes, I had fallen for the Pig Demon, and had then acquired a crazy Moth who kept circling my flame, but it was nothing that even remotely approached what we had. She had an idea that my conversations were some kind of Craig's List negotiation, which, whatever else they may have been, they were not -- but does it really matter, when I depended on these guys so much, and did not turn to her? When she asked me to give it up, I said I would have to think about it long and hard; she took that as "NO."

Only now can I see that she was right to do so.
I always said she was the smart one.

And in light of Paul's comment, I can only say that I am on some level grateful not to hear any more from the people who have seen that their commitment, in order to survive, must be primary if not total. That the flesh and blood person at their side outweighs all the insubstantial "community" we may find on the web, or at least, it has to if the real relationship is to survive.

How I wish I could have seen this as clearly when the choice between "life and death" was put before me, and I chose a life that clearly included a death in the family, a death of the family.

God help me.


  1. Troll,
    Honey, I wish to respectfully submit that you are putting the cart before the horse. I think it's the fact that the guys who can't put their true orientation aside for the good of the marriage are driven to keep blogging about it as a way to stay sane, rather than the blogging itself leading to the end of the marriage. And I myself can't see how someone who REALLY loves you would ask you to deny a huge part of yourself for their own good... seems kinda selfish, but that's just me.
    Troll, honestly now. If you could have continued to deny your feelings, I think you would have, because I know how much you treasure your wife and marriage. The fact is, we're each and every one of us alone inside our heads, and all of the really important stuff in our lives happens right there, in our minds. I don't advocate putting yourself ahead of all other considerations, because some things really are more important -- but I don't think you should leave yourself out of your own considerations or beat yourself up when you do think of yourself first.
    I think a lot of you, Troll, and it distresses me to hear you condemning your own actions this way.

  2. Biggo:

    I can't argue with you; I just know that there are arguments as good for the choice I did NOT make as there are for the choice that I did.

    And while I don't in the least "condemn" my actions, I do need to see all the way to the bottom of them. Pretending that the pretty waves on the surface of the ocean are the whole story leaves out the giant squid and the Marianas Trench and all the cool, scary stuff that lives on the bottom...

    None of this would be an issue if I didn't, hadn't always, looked at the world through moral-tinted glasses. But if I didn't, I wouldn't be me, either. And much as other people might wish I wasn't, I'm rather fond of me, warts and all.

    I just wish someone else were, as well.

    Oh -- and the point of the whole post was that, given Paul's observation of 75-100 MGM blogs [!!!], I am GLAD that I have heard nothing but silence from the guys who packed it in. They may have "chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from them."


  3. I guess I've opened myself up here!

    Bigg, you're absolutely right about the cart and the horse. Blogging isn't the cause of the issue, it's the manifestation of the issue.

    Troll, I feel your internal conflict was so strong that I’m assuming you had no other options. YOU didn’t mess things up. Things were JUST messy.

    And there was NO WAY to clean them up.

    Now, just start living the way you need to.

    I believe that God WILL help you.

    (Side note: Troll, I think one of your first posts I ever read was your response to Bigg about the basis of your religious faith. And here you two still are!)

  4. TG:

    oh, I get it. Cart is break-up, horse is blogging. Well, I buy that. Am I reversing that?

    No, it's just the shock of seeing myself as a quantifiable element rather than a lump of individuality...

    I would not have the mantra "Necessity is called grim for a reason" if I felt I had had any choice, although I did in fact MAKE a choice -- it's just that I made it when the alternatives had became unbearable.

    No, I think that I am still in the same place I was before, divided neatly down the middle, and until someone shows up who can knit the halves back together [anyone listening?] I am just doomed to feel divided against myself.

    "Love is a mystery, and it is the answer. Learning to accept that the answer may be a mystery is part of the process..."

    That's why I am having SUCH a good time.

    Thanks, guys.

  5. Oh, Troll. I am awfully fond of you even though we've never met, and I doubt there are many warts to be found on you.
    Hang in there, it gets better. (Just look at me, right?)