HEART STRINGS...

Here I am, feeling abandoned, feeling unimportant, hanging on the hope of eventually hearing from a man who, I think I can now state without fear of contradiction, was willing to bed me but who does not attach any greater importance to that event that he does to...

well, to much of anything else.

I knew this when I drove out to his place in the woods. I just didn't want to believe it. Because I pretended I did believe it, and I didn't. And now I have to believe it. And I still can't quite do it.

There is some part of me that is still convinced that if I feel the way I do, he can't care as little as he so obviously does. This sounds like every country-western song ever written for a female singer... and as long as the joke is on someone else, it's funny: "Feeling single and seeing double can get you into a whole lot of trouble..."

Even I can see how ludicrous this picture is. If this is the Revenge of the Inner Girl, she is getting far the worst of her own revenge.

The Passion of the Inner Girl?

The Abject Humiliation of the Inner Girl?

In any case, the picture is far from pretty. And I am stuck with the truth whether I want to take it on board or not.
So: why did I think it work out my way?
Let's just say that I did, and it didn't.
Me quedo chingado. I'm fucked.
But then, nobody told me it was going to be easy.
One day at a time.

The pig is still in [deep] shit, he just isn't particularly happy about it any more...

Well, we all have to grow up sometime. I seem to remember hearing something about the assymetry of love relationships somewhere... Maybe I'll have another one of those sober moments one of these days, when I realize that, as someone with a few more wits said, "It was going to be good one way or the other. I really believed that. I still do, because it was." It will still take me a while to work the hooks out, of course, and by that time my Inner Girl may have matured a bit.

I can't help suspecting that too much "maturity" is what turns that Inner Girl into the Bitch Goddess we all know so well...

though I do hope I'm wrong on that one...
.