SIMPLY RIVEN II
Here is the problem: I am divided, heart and soul, against myself. Having told my wife that I would spare her my indecision and simply agree to end our marriage, I am now hearing how she doesn't understand how I can leave her except for someone else. Neither can I, except for the fact that I have felt the power of "the dark side" so strongly in recent months, that as I recently wrote, if it concerned a person in the same physical space, I feel I might actually burst into flame. I have come close enough in cyber-space, as some of you may remember...It's not like I don't know that the chances of finding out what I actually WANT and finding someone who finds both me and THAT attractive are not great. It's not like I don't remember vividly the gap between my desire to sleep with men and my pleasure sleeping with women. [See: "News Flash: an anus is not a vagina".] And it's certainly not as though I don't treasure what the last twenty-six years have given me.
Well, I believe there is nothing for it but to make SOME sort of decision and stick to it. But which, the lady or the tiger?
Lately, I have felt so down that I couldn't see "up". And yet, other people kept commenting on my cheerfulness. I had a little epiphany yesterday leaving my appointment with my therapist, who, rather than climbing on the "why so cheerful?" bandwagon, had pointed out that part of me was beginning to feel liberated, and the other part of me was looking at its approaching death. Not a bad reason to feel divided -- SHE used the word "schizophrenic", which seemed appropriate. But I was pretty cheerful during our hour.
The epiphany arrived as we said goodbye at the door of her office: the gloom descended as soon as I turned away from her, and before I was halfway down the corridor, the sighs had begun breaking loose again. Whether it's contact that's makes me cheer up, which could be, or just that being left alone brings me face-to-face with ALL of myself, which I now cannot avoid, I can't tell. But I am holding it together for some people, just not myself.
Well, July should be interesting.
I am handsome. I look at the pictures that Dwayne took at the party and, undeniably, I am handsome. I am handsome, with dark hair and green eyes, with Anglo Saxon, Danish Spanish Argentine good looks on my side and I hate that. I am handsome, and I have a full set of curly hair and bright white teeth, and I am 48 years old, and I hate that. I am handsome, and I am 48 years old and I am gay and I hate that. I am handsome and I am 48 years old and I am gay and I hate that because I never knew that I was handsome, and I did not acknowledge that I was gay until I was 40 years old, and I did not have a man to man experience until I was 41 years old, and I was not single and free and openly gay until I was 45 years old, and I did not meet my first true lover until I was 46 years old, and he left me when I was 47 years, and now I am 48 years old. I look at the pictures that Dwayne took at the party, and truly objectively open-eyed and queer sensitive I can truly say: I am handsome, and I hate that because at age 48, as a gay man I am over the hill and not worth looking at. So, I am hand some and 48 and nothing to show for it. Oh well. Ernesto Raul. www.the-day-after-suicide.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteWife: she does make an interesting point...I think from her perspective she might think you're just leaving her not because of TGT at all, but because you're just unhappy with her?
ReplyDeleteAlone: it seems to me that you do have a lot of fear of being alone but not sure why either (other than the obvious.) Is there something wrong with the "face-to-face" ALL by yourself?
Acting Up: You sometimes seem more jaded and darker than I claim to be! :)
Troll,
ReplyDeleteI am still hoping and wishing that this will all work out for you. Every birth has its contractions and pains, and so when I feel them I take them as a sign of the new day to come, and try to be encouraged rather than the reverse.
Just remember, you're only as alone as you wish to be -- in addition to all of us who have grown to know you through the blogosphere, there are people waiting to meet you, maybe only a short drive away.
All my best to your and to your wife.
Bigg
ER:
ReplyDeletebienvenido en el rincon mas lejano del Blogworld. Lo que "odia" ahora es lo que alguien querrá sin duda manana. No deje trionfar el espírito sin nombre que come la esperanza. Cree en algo -- si no en Ud mismo, pues en igual cualquier cosa mas grande que su miedo del futuro.
Cada noche obscura termina en nueva alba. Y nunca podemos veder en adelante el aspecto que traerá cuesta alba -- es día nuevo.
Confía en algo!
Bear:
the fear is the fear that ER articulates so well -- not finding love, having left a home to find it. Is that such a crazy fear? I think not. Not all the Blogbrothers in the world can erase that one.
Bigg:
Thanks. I hang in here, waiting for what will hit the fan...
yr
Troll
ER:
ReplyDeleteOK, so you say you're handsome. Prove it. Send me a picture. No photoshop, no substitutes.
The Troll