Monday, May 12, 2008


So, here I am, my local jobs winding down prior to the move, a Big Job at Better Pay constantly threatening to become reality [but never quite getting it together], and my attention span not much better than that of the most ADHD of teenage boys, as a result. I flatter myself that once the dust settles and I know what the hell I will be doing for the next three or four months, I will be able to focus.

But I can't be sure...

So I spend my days doing what the Goat calls "thinking too much." And I have been parsing my reaction to the lunch events with a soberer eye, and I can see that there is all sorts of panic there which has nothing to do with coming out and everything to do with the fact that almost everybody at that table had known the Goat for many years longer than I have: I am in some weird way jealous of the people who've known him so long.

This has nothing to do with the whole "shouting about Crisco" problem -- that apparently just comes with the territory, and apparently if you leave big enough tips, you can get away with it. But it has a lot to do with my reaction to the Goat's comments about our sex life: to him, he was just sharing the information that he is very happy in more than one way -- while to me, what it felt like was the two of them discussing me as if I weren't there, as if they were in it together, and I was the outsider. Now, considering the history of this group, I am, and I am in fact just going to have to get used to it...

It's true that the undercurrent of "he's not as uptight as he looks" still bugs me -- but worse things could certainly have been said. And the Goat was really most apologetic about making me uncomfortable.

I realize that I am "out" in some ways and not in others: I have no problem introducing the Goat to my friends and family as my lover, and really enjoy spending time with him, but I am still learning to see him part of the world I deliberately chose not to live in, to share him, especially with people who have a prior, if lesser, claim. [I hope it's a lesser claim, anyway -- time will tell.] I believe jealousy has been called the "green-eyed monster" before now...

Sometimes it all seems too much like work.
But he is nothing if not patient.
And I thought I was past living on his patience.


Hang in there, all. C

1 comment:

  1. Aren't you having an interesting time of it lately? Good for you!