Sunday, May 18, 2008


Actually, I didn't just burst into tears.

I spent the better part of five minutes making inarticulate sounds more like howls than sobs, even as I washed my wine and water glasses at the sink. So alone. It was almost as if I saw the diving suit, which Bauby used as a metaphor for the deadened body his stroke inflicted on him, as something I had taken on by choice, put on of my own free will. My kids so far away, one unreachable, one sick, and myself so very much alone when most weekends I am anything but. And this after spending yesterday afternoon positively blissful in my solitude.

Go figure.

How soon we get accustomed to happiness and take it for granted.
Well, this should be a timely reminder:
Grab life by the beans, as my coffee-sensitive Goat says...


Your voice revives me, rouses me to take
Advantage of the day.
I go outside to drink my coffee in the sun.
Around me all is green, above me blue.
I lie down on the grass...
Make no mistake:
If you were here,
If we could take a ride, or
Climb in bed once we had shared a blunt,
My happiness would be complete,
But you must work and can't be here.
If I could make one wish,
I'd lay aside all thought of pride
And wish you here,
Prepare you food and fun,
Show you how much I love the things you do.
But we are far apart,
And when we meet,
We'll do no more than smile, and talk, and eat.


Not quite awake,
I stumble out of bed,
Thump down the stairs undressed to take a piss.
Teeth brushed, face washed,
I start to think;
Last night I cried
As if my heart would break,
Had broken yet again.
Stuck in my head, alone again,
My life boiled down to this:

I drive the best away, and more to drink,
Then wonder at my heart's persistent aches...

I called to leave a message, and instead
You answered,
Said you too had longed
To kiss me, hold me tight.
I teetered on the brink of madness:
Pain and pleasure --
All too much to take...

This morning, in the light,
My heart returns to lesser madness--
How this longing burns...

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