WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES... IX...

Thursday, June 01, 2006

THE RAPE OF THE LOCKS II...

For all of you out there wondering what had happened to the famous HN haircut, here is an update. The good news is that all three children will in fact be home in August, after all. So that sets some kind of deadline for dealing with the dread question of when I come out to whom. So that's thirty days to go until the family begins to trickle in, and another forty beyond that for all to be gathered.

And here’s another line in the sand crossed. I went for my occasional walk with my Approved Conversation Partner, and he returned to his plea that I treat this “issue” like any other issue in a marriage – that I renew my vows and give The Gay Thing up for the good of the marriage. What surprised me was the vehemence with which I resisted the suggestion; clearly I can no longer think of myself except with some option of being in relationship with another man, however far-flung his location or tenuous the connection. Somewhere along the way I have started to identify myself as a gay man – no need to try to pinpoint the moment, but the moment has definitely come and gone.

And something else: I could never understand gay men's need to go public with something essentially private, though I began to see the cost of not doing so seven years ago, when I heard that one of the "silent" ones had committed suicide. And now, it all looks different, "coming out" is as necessary as breathing, and as close to the heart -- and I can only tell my friends who stand where I stood such a short time before: it looks different from here. Because all of a sudden, it does. Where has this need for a man been hiding all these years? [Well, I guess I know the answer to THAT one.] How on earth did I manage to keep this large an elephant under wraps for so long? [And THAT one, as well, to be honest, but the walls that made up the compartments have come crashing down...] Because this is a very large, extremely energetic elephant. And it is going to impinge on everything here; I expect it will make life considerably more difficult than usual, now that we have to admit it's in the room.

I cannot for a moment think that my wife would agree to any “open” arrangement, nor would I if the tables were turned [well, I might, but that is another story with other reasons – if I were HER in THIS situation, I would take her position myself]. Well, it remains to be seen what she brings back from her trip, and where we can go from there. And we’ll just go from there…

But my vehemence also spoke volumes about how far I have come in the past few weeks, and where I stand in relation to my marriage. As my wife said, in some way I have already left. And yet not. If there were a way to preserve what we have, I would take it, just not at the price of connections that have come to mean too much, or at the price of silence. Not at the price of silence, above all.

I think that all I can do is pray over this one.
If you are the praying kind, pray for us.
Especially for my wife.

I apologize to those of you [however many of the three of you that actually read this] who are tired of my obsessively returning to the events of last year to fill out this year's postings. But I am horrified and fascinated by watching the train-wreck in retrospect. I can see so clearly now what I could not see at all before: why my wife saw the end coming so clearly, when I thought we could work it all out somehow.

And the incredible thing to me is how I really did move out of my head and into the real world in almost exactly a year. It makes me think that the year ahead might be one full of promise, which is something I have had a hard time imagining for some time.

But today it came to me.

Praise the LORD.
.