Sunday, June 24, 2007


I thought I would do a good deed, and send the RBF the poem about worrying about him, as a way of letting him know that I am worrying about him. That was stupid.

[So what else is new?]

I got two answers. The first was basically,

"Hey, I'm OK. My heart's not broken. Good luck with the
Goat -- you're going to need it." So I stupidly responded with "Good to hear you're OK, blah, blah, blah." Then came the broadside.

You may remember that I agreed to meet the
RBF for dinner when he was in town for a conference. Weirdest social event of my life, as I told all involved.

In spite of everyone's protestations to the contrary, I felt that I
had to be a factor in the break-up. When we parted, the RBF assured me that I was not the reason, and I said that no matter what everyone said, I couldn't help feeling that if I hadn't "happened," neither would the break-up...

So, now the
RBF weighs in with an accusation that I lied to him at that dinner, saying that we were just "friends with benefits," and he now sees my heart is and was involved. Actually, I never said "friends with benefits" -- he did! -- and I don't think I made a mystery of the fact that my heart was in deep. I just had no idea then where the Goat stood; I was pretty sure that I was just a piece on the side, but how was I meant to know? so I said as little as possible.

He is not broken-hearted about the break-up, he says: he's ANGRY, and the implication of my obvious emotional connection brings his anger to the surface. The weird thing is that his anger makes much more sense to me than his equanimity about the Goat and me sleeping together; it means that, despite everyone's protestations to the contrary, the world is not so different on this side of the looking-glass after all. In a way it's comforting to know that I don't have to chuck everything I've learned about people overboard... but this is not so comfortable.

It's entirely my fault -- how
could I have been so stupid as not to let sleeping dogs lie? or at most just to say, "I hope you're OK"? Best would have been saying nothing. OhmyGod.

stupidity is its own reward.

I can't even warn the
Goat, as he is off soaking up culture on a summer break, and has no phone. And this is not news I want to tell him in an e-mail... although if the RBF fires off an e-mail about it, which is more than likely, I am going to look pretty stupid.

Oh, shit.

Oh, well.
Stupidity is its own reward.

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