Thursday, May 24, 2007


Woo, boy. How the time flies...

May 24, 2006:

So here's the thing. I have my first job in months, and I can't concentrate: I'm spreading work out that should have taken four days over seven at least -- I just don't seem to be able to do what I used to be so good at...

or maybe there's something else going on...
What could
THAT be?

Since the compartmentalization began to crumble a dozen years or so, I have often described my condition as "
the breakdown of the bicameral mind"---typical of a certain sort of geek to use a book title as a self-description. [A friend tells me I have to stop quoting things
like that all the time: "People don't get it -- you make them uncomfortable." Well, that's like telling me to stop breathing. References are part of my life, and I don't think most of them are THAT abstruse, although even I see that Aesop's fables have gotten me into a lot of trouble. Aesop is apparently one of those people that everybody knows of, but nobody knows. (sigh). More people recognize show tunes...]

Well, part of what's going on is that the longing for a guy sometimes sweeps over me with such force that I can't do anything but sit there and watch my emotions take off on their own merry way, leaving the husk of me in suspended animation, or banging my head against the table, or just moaning aloud. And it doesn't take much to set me off. It's the thirty-year itch, I guess.

But to come back to the second thoughts:

It's not like I have suddenly stopped wanting what I want. Obviously, I want it. I know on some bone-deep level that I am queer. And we
are a queer bunch, no doubt about it: don't we have to be pretty driven to overcome the basic instruction manual we're issued along with our bodies to get what we want? It sure argues against undertaking anything lightly... who would be so crazy? We would. All of us. Actually, it would take a lot for me to discover happiness in what our little world so delicately covers with the veil of "versatility." In the meantime I'll settle for the revelation that there are actually people out there who might want to take what I want to give. Gosh darn. Imagine that.
But that is not the story.

The story is all about what happens here at home. There is the question of love. And commitment. And what I'll call loyalty, as fidelity has been taking a bit of a beating lately. And family and all it stands for, particularly for me. I guess I can see that there is no going back to "before"; the question is where we go in the "after" now ahead of us.

Because even if all the bridges I am constantly shown are crossed, I will be no more convinced that the chances of finding "what I want" are a statistic I can bear to look at -- or that getting "what I want," or even WHO I want, will make me any happier than I am now. It seems to me that expecting to find TWO incredible, funny, loyal, loving people in one lifetime might be asking a bit much. And then there is the questionable quality of "liberation": I know that there is a whole new set of orthodoxies on the other side of the blanket that are quite likely to be every bit as stifling as the ones the liberated have shucked off to their great content. And I know that I will, almost by definition, be sitting in in no man's land between them.

So, I'm here, I'm queer, I'm slowly getting used to it, and quite happy to accept that what I want is "against nature". Forget the statistics about gay animals, forget the anger of the self-righteous nitwits on both ends of the spectrum; just think about it. Even St. Paul seems to have made a bit of a dirty joke of it, at least as far as those who "
committed shameless acts with men and received in their own persons the due penalty for their error." Well, maybe what we all need is a little more humor. And a little more distance.

Now, if I could just get a little work done, maybe I'd feel better about myself...

1 comment:

  1. Troll,

    As one that only gets about a fourth of what you write, I'm quite positive that if you could indeed frame your discussions with show tunes I'd comprehend a lot more.

    However, you must remember that you write for yourself here in anonymous blogland, not necessarily others.

    - P