Friday, May 25, 2007


Well, longing for a guy, these days for a particular guy still sometimes sweeps over me with such force that I can't do anything but sit there and watch my emotions take off on their own merry way, though now there's not much sign of suspended animation, or banging my head against the table -- and not too much moaning aloud. [How much moaning aloud is too much?] It still doesn't take much to set me off.

I really know I am queer now. If I had had any doubts at all, Easter pretty much took care of them. And I am even coming to terms with "versatility," much to my surprise. Well, somewhat to my surprise. The surprise is more my ease with coming to terms with it than the event itself, if you know what I mean...

There is still the question of love. And commitment. But the points of reference have all changed; all the landmarks have changed. I am completely at sea on these "open" seas. And loyalty, or fidelity just goes on taking a beating, same as ever. It's just a different loyalty...

I am
still no more convinced that the chances of finding "what I want" are a statistic I can bear to look at -- much as I am enjoying "what" I have wanted and gotten, in the short term at least. But is this "what I want" or "WHO I want"? That is the $64,000 question, folks. What do I do if this is all I get of the One I Want? can I live on one day a month? or two? I tend to think not. It's fine for now -- at the moment, it may be all I can handle, in fact.

And God knows there is indeed a whole new set of orthodoxies on the other side of the blanket that are every bit as stifling as the ones the liberated have shucked off to their great content. I sure had THAT one right. And I am, by definition, sitting in in no man's land between them.

So, I'm here, I'm queer,
I'm slowly getting used to it.

But it's going to be a long, hard slog until enough of my life settles out to the point that I can say I know what the hell is going on.

At the moment, I don't. I don't even try, really.

One day at a time,
one day at a time,
one day at a time.


1 comment:

  1. It's fine for now -- at the moment, it may be all I can handle, in fact.

    I think that just about sums it up for me at the moment. (this moment only , I may change in twenty minutes).

    I am only starting to realise how the points of reference on my moral compass have changed. Indeed the true terror of freedom. I am not sure my compass exists anymore.

    As an ardent cheerleader down South, I wish you happiness and I wish you enough.

    one day at a time, one day at atime