COMING OUT IV...CLOSING with MORE SOUTHERN COMFORT...

The great New York Times weighed in with this last week, admittedly in the Style section [is that the only place gay men are "fit to print"???]:

Men who are forthcoming with their wives, and then divorce or separate, report surprise that what happens afterward is often vastly harder than the process of ending the marriage. Scott W., 64, a retired school teacher and real estate agent, relieved his occasional need for homosexual sex with anonymous encounters on East Hampton Beach without quite labeling himself as gay or bisexual. Only when he fell for someone, who rejected him because he was married, did Scott conclude he had to divorce a woman he loved and had been with for 24 years. That process, as these things go, was without acrimony, said Scott, a former member of Mr. McFadden's support group, and he remains close to her and his two grown sons.

But looking for love in late middle age, Scott said, is a frustrating ordeal. After a brief "slut phase,'' he had "the naïve idea I'd find someone right away.'' Instead, he has learned he is ill-suited, or too old, for gay night life. "They want to go out at 11 o'clock,'' Scott said, "and I want to go to sleep at 11 o'clock. Plus, in those places, there's too much noise and confusion.'' He eats dinner most nights at the bar of an East Side restaurant that attracts an older gay clientele. The conversation is lively, Scott said, but he hasn't found anyone to date. Recently, a married gay man left his business card but Scott threw it away. He is not looking for a one-night stand.

And here is what Dr. Isay, the original cheerleader for leaving your marriage to come out as gay, had to say to the Times. Without a breath of apology, without the quietest "oops," just shooting from the lip:

Scott's loneliness after divorce is common among middle-aged men, according to Dr. Richard A. Isay, 69, the first openly gay member of the American Psychoanalytic Association who himself left a heterosexual marriage about 20 years ago, when he was already in a gay relationship that he remains in today. Dr. Isay said he came slowly to understand his patients' sense of isolation during three decades of practice, and therefore has modified his advice to gay married men. "I beg them to take it slow because it's difficult to find the substitute for the love and companionship of a longtime spouse,'' said Dr. Isay, author of "Commitment and Healing: Gay Men and the Need for Romantic Love" (Wiley, 2006). "They must take that loss into consideration.''

Thank you, thank you, Dr. Isay.

Isn't it interesting how the piece not only glosses over his complete change of mind, but also manages to prominently plug his latest book? So much for the Gray Lady's sense of tact... Well, at least the piece went on to draw on Chris P, so the Blog Brothers got a point or two.

Closer to home, figuratively at least, my NC sister weighed in with this the other day:

I wonder if you've thought all this through [not a good opener...]. As I understand it [based on extensive research, apparently], the "gay scene" in D_______ is sort of a meat market, composed largely of very young beautiful men who have sex out of lust, not love. The older men are likely to find a partner among these men only if they are opportunistic, looking for a sugar daddy who can take care of them. Obviously, you're not in a position to fill that role. [Oh???]

It seems to me that the chances of finding the love of your life among either group is pretty slim. I'm afraid you'll be terribly lonely, and that not a day will pass without your regretting the move. Of course, I feel terribly sad for M as well as for you, and I worry about finances for both of you. I still hope, unrealistically I'm sure, that this can be turned around and your marriage can be saved. Much of this is selfish on my part -- it hurts to think of your family being rent asunder. It's going to hurt a lot of people, and I can't see it making you happy, either.

Sometimes I wonder if the world is going mad, or whether I am just seeing more of its madness. Because it seems that some things go from bad to worse, and nobody seems to think before running off at the mouth.
Including
Yours Truly
the Troll at Sea