THE JADED DR. BEAR IS IN...
The Jaded One writes:To be honest, part of me thinks that you are not ready, at least for a completely clean break...it's too "right away", and it's too much of a sudden change for you. I'm not sure you are ready, I read a lot of fear and doubt there (more than others perhaps.) Although, I also see you have come a long way, and every step was a brave step towards finding out some truth - struggling to find out answers to some really tough questions.
Sometimes in life, though, we have to choose the path of least regret.
Whatever you decide, just be honest about the expectations in this new light. Know that you may try and fail, know that you might have a change of heart about this decision, know that you might be right back where you found yourself before. Accept that truth.
You have my prayers of course.
P.S. I always heard that in death there is life.
O Jaded One:
Fear and doubt is not a bad description of the prospect of giving up half of myself for the other, no matter what I do. What I do see quite clearly is that my wish to leave now to forestall having to leave "red-handed", if you'll pardon the expression, is based on an overpowering fear of overpowering probabilities.
It is harder than I thought to accept that I may have to commit myself to something I am no longer able to do...
What is positive, though, is that we are actually discussing what the bounds of a new relationship based on acceptance might look like. And we may yet find that we cannot agree. Just when I thought I had finally managed to get OFF the roller-coaster.
As to "life in death", Coleridge nails it as a nightmare in the "Ancient Mariner":
Her lips were red, her looks were free,
Her locks were yellow as gold :
Her skin was as white as leprosy,
The Night-mare LIFE-IN-DEATH was she,
Who thicks man's blood with cold...
Since then, at an uncertain hour,
That agony returns :
And till my ghastly tale is told,
This heart within me burns.
I pass, like night, from land to land ;
I have strange power of speech ;
That moment that his face I see,
I know the man that must hear me :
To him my tale I teach...
O Wedding-Guest ! this soul hath been
Alone on a wide wide sea :
So lonely 'twas, that God himself
Scarce seeméd there to be.
I have to agree with bear's assessment. But since I only have the tiny slice of you and your life as it compares with my own experience - both very large handicaps - it's hard for me to say with any kind of certainty.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that you are on a journey.
Take care.
F
I was home last night, channel surfing. My son, almost 12, asked me what I was going to watch. I flipped through the channels and stopped on the USA Network and watched Sandra Bullock in "28 Days". My son had been gone for close to two weeks, a camping trip, helping his grandfather, then off to church camp. I have barely saw him. I asked him to sit with me in the recliner. He fell asleep while I finished the movie. When it was over, I woke him up and put him to bed. Kissed him good night and told him I loved him -- my usual phrase. That moment was precious to me. I don't know how old your kids are, but I'm sure that you have some "Norman Rockwell moments" that you wouldn't trade for anything. You might think about those times before you make a decision to throw in the towel on your marriage.
ReplyDeleteI don't pray much as I used to, but your in my prayers.
My prayers are with you. Each of our struggles are different and I suspect yours are much harder than mine at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI do believe that whatever works for you and your wife is acceptable. KA and I have discussed the fact that our compromise would cause others to think less of her and us. I point out it is not their concern and whatever two married people agree together to try is valid.
So if there is a compromise, whats another week or month on the marathon we are all on.
I considered today that KA has offered me a piece of cake and I am vacillating between standing on ceremony - refusing it and wanting the whole damn cake. I think I see a slice in the near term.
As I just posted having spent the weekend with two straight friends in dysfunctional marriages, If you and your wife are truly discussing and communicating - that is a good, good thing.
My heart is with you.
Nate
(gulp!) If I had known I was to be quoted...I know I talk too much, honestly I don't really know anything, I'm guessing mostly. I am honored.
ReplyDeleteI think your fear and doubt is expected...I meant take it slow(er?).
I'm really glad to hear the conversation has opened up with your wife, (have you EVER left the roller coaster!) I'm more optimistic that you both can make the right "decision" together instead of leaving this task on your shoulders alone. Perhaps you can keep your "whole" self too. (Or at least a larger piece than just 1/2!)
For commitment, I'd say, only commit to what you ARE able to or don't commit. i.e. Try not to make promises that might lead to regrets...(my "this new light" comment) Regret may be inevitable but expect it this time.
The more open discussion is a big step, remember to take breaks from these questions too...vacations are good. Take care! Happy 4rth!