Tuesday, June 27, 2006

OUTER DARKNESS, GNASHING OF TEETH,
AND A HINT OF DAWN...

Thanks to all of you who responded to my weepy posting of yesterday. Today is not so bad [how COULD it be?] if still just as dark and damp and empty. The weirdest thing about my current state of suspended animation -- for that is what it feels like -- is that is impossible to cry for more than a few moments at a time. And not often.

When I have, I have felt His presence in the most startlingly immediate way, the last time as bending over me as I sat with my head on my arms on the table, His hand [not, alas, perceptibly] on my shoulder. It is a moment I hold on to.

For those of you who felt my Gay Pride post showed a lack of community spirit, I can only say: What community? What pride? I have accepted myself as what I am for years, but still wrestle with the loss of my other self, which is about to depart with a bang, and probably a whimper from me...

But this business of inverting shame and CALLING it pride makes me wonder how much it is well-founded pride, pride in a real accomplishment, and how much it is pride in something like bloodlines, for which we can take no credit -- and that is another kind of pride altogether. Well, I have played skunk at THIS garden party long enough.

Hang in there. Don't let the bastards grind you down.
And count your blessings, as I am trying to remember to count mine.

at 7:17 AM

3 comments:

  1. Bigg6/27/2006 1:54 PM

    If I count my blessings, Troll, I must count you as one of them. Be well.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nigel6/28/2006 7:05 AM

    I'll be thinking of you, mate. You aren't alone. And you won't be after you come out either, even if you don't count us, your e-friends and admirers.

    I was surprised how easily my children accepted my revelation. Still haven't told all my straight friends, though, including one born-again who has "strong views", but is also very fond of me.

    Nigel

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nate6/28/2006 9:14 PM

    A non-sequiter of sorts- can't help it.

    Watching TV the other night a commercial used a snippet of a song - Garden Party. Haven't heard it in decades, but put the old brain to work and a minute or two later stated- 'if memories are all I bring I'd rather drive a truck" but the chorus - I loved that chorus "you can't please everyone so you might as well please yourself"

    iTunes is $.99 richer today:)

    ReplyDelete

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