NIGHT of the LIVING POP QUIZ II...
This is a request to anyone passing by who has had the experience we are wallowing through and come out the other side:Think about leaving a comment with some words of wisdom. It needn't be "advice." Maybe it shouldn't be advice. But a word or two from the other side of the wallow would help...
If you have already left your wife, what do you regret most?
What helped you most?
More importantly, what helped YOUR WIFE most?
What helped you come out to your children?
What helped your wife deal with your coming out to your children?
What helped your children cope?
You can probably see where this is going...
if you are passing through to other sections of Blogworld where answers might be forthcoming, feel free to pass the questions on. Anonymous answers are FINE. But answers would be an enormous help.
As one on the other side of the wallow, I can say that there really is light at the end of the tunnel.
ReplyDeleteI left my wife five years ago. I married my best friend, and after years of wrangling she is once again my best friend. My biggest regret is that my inability to deal with my sexuality led me to hurt a wonderful woman. I can't say that I regret our marriage though because it gave me our son.
We tried for two long years to make our marriage work after I hit the point where I simply couldn't hide my attraction to men any longer. We saw a counselor, we prayed, we argued, we shed enough tears to fill an ocean, then we went to bed and did it all again the next day. The final conclusion was that it wasn't fair to either of us to continue that way. She deserved a man who would love her as a husband should, not as a friend does, and I needed to be with a man or with no one at all.
My wife talked to other women who had been where she was, and to other men who had been where I was. Their support allowed us both to come through the experience as well as we did. There were periods when she couldn't even be in the same room with me. She was hurt and angry and had every right to be.
I gave her as much control over the situation as I could, and it seemed to help her cope. When I decided that I needed to tell our friends and family, I allowed her to decide who would find out first, when they would be told, and whether she would be there when I told them.
When I told my son, she was with me. We kept him out of our problems, and she didn't ever blame me for what was happening to our family in front of him. Perhaps it was his age, he was ten at the time, but he handled the whole thing remarkably well. We kept his life as normal as possible, and once he was reassured that whatever was going on would not effect our love for him he seemed to move on to the next challenge.
Seven years after the nightmare started, and five years after my marriage ended we have both found good men to share our lives with. My partner was also married and has two children who share our home. Sadly, his marriage did not end as well as mine did. Neither of us regret our decision to come out. We both deeply regret not having done so much sooner.
-S
Dear S:
ReplyDeleteas Blogger continues to mystify, it took me a while to find your post -- all the way back at my last attempt to get answers to the "pop quiz".
Thank you for your words; I hear this quite often, but I have to say that I look at the reality of my marriage and the suffering of my wife, and I find it hard to believe that there is any way out but a road of broken glass and split rock for bare feet.
Watching what your behavior and decisions do to someone you love can be the most exquisite agony.
I think nothing I have had inflicted on ME by others comes even close. Although that may all change once I come out and lose my camouflage.
Thanks for the post.
yr
Troll
What do I regret the most? I guess I regret the fact that it took me almost 25 years to reach this place. I didn't leave her...she left me. We tortured each other so much...
ReplyDeleteWhat has helped me the most is to write...and to write....through good times and bad times. I've pledged to myself that in my blogging I would be honest....not sugar coat....edit...or make myself look good....I would just be brutally honest....and let my words stand...there in cyber space.
It also helped to surround myself with other gay men....I'm part of a lot of online groups...and I have met some of these men face-to-face....not for sex....but just as friends.
What has helped "lovey" is the fact that she immersed herself in her ministry....and her pursuit of a church to pastor. She's now off and running.
What helped me to come out ot my children is the fact that I had a very strong relationship with each of them to begin with. Sure, there were tears...and some fear....but they knew that they had just learned something more about their dad....I hadn't changed...just their depth of knowledge. They're now my biggest fans!
What helped my children was the fact that they had a friend their same age that also had a gay dad. However, at the time....five years ago....they were going through a very painful and messy divorce. My kids learned a lot from their friend.
My wife, who has outted me to the world.....was glad that I had outted myself to the kids. She did, however, expect them to take "her side"...but they didn't.
Hope this helps you in some small way.
Hang in there....this, too, will pass....and it does get better.