Thursday, April 16, 2009


I am not sure I can define happiness, but I do know it when I see it. And I am happy. Over the last few days, I have been made particularly conscious of how happy I am, and how lucky I am. Some of it is being reminded of what life was like after I left home but before finding the Goat; more of it is being reminded by what life is like now that I have found the Goat--Monday night did a pretty thorough job there. And that's a lot to be able to say.

But beyond that there is the even more humbling fact that I have been lucky pretty much all my life. I fell in love with a woman who agreed to marry me, and we have three wonderful children. Our marriage did not survive the truth that set me free; I moved out, but within a year I had met a man who has made me almost as happy as I had been with my wife.

That's not a complaint: "almost" here is saying a lot. After I left home, I was convinced that I would never find a man I could love who would also love me; I worried that I would not in fact enjoy what I desired so much if I did find him; and I fretted over whether or not I would be able to live with myself if I did enjoy it. The Goat managed to clear the decks on all three points, and everything else is "the small stuff" we are constantly told not to sweat.

If he left me tomorrow, I would still be grateful for what we have had to date, and if this past week is anything to go by, neither of us is likely to leave tomorrow.

Which is not to say that everything is sweetness and light; as long as both of us are involved, sweetness and light are probably going to be thin on the ground. But what we have is so much more than I ever dreamed I would find, especially after the initial months of meeting people online and for coffee.

So here's what I have to say:

Don't go looking for someone; just try to live out your own truth and sooner or later someone will show up. If I can be struck by lightning twice in my life, once on either side of the street, you can certainly hope to find someone.

And I really do believe the trick is not to go looking for anything but the truth.

Here's hoping it works for you, too.


  1. Never cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

    It's great to see you feeling good.

  2. I didn't see an email on the front page, so I guess a comment is just as good. I hope you don't mind.

    I was searching for info yesterday, almost in desperation, and found an abandoned blog called "Coming Out at 48". I read it all from start to finish twice over - it was so close to my own experience up until this point, it was eerie. It was at that very moment that I admitted to myself for the first time that I was gay. Yesterday. Then the blog just ended abruptly, last post two years old! That was a little saddening... but I saw a comment on the last post from you, and followed it here today.

    So yesterday, three hours after my blog-reading-binge, I told my wife (I can't keep secrets like this, it kills me). Now I'm weathering the shitstorm that this brings, but I think it's going to be OK. I hope it's going to be OK. I can't decide if my life is over, or just beginning. It's a combination of crushing guilt, shame, self-loathing, and... relief.

    Finding blogs like 48 and yours here has given me a lot of hope. Now I'm going to go to the start of yours and read through, heh.

    Maybe there is light at the end after all.

    So, yeah. Thank you, and the other guy, for writing blogs like this, says the complete stranger :-)