Saturday, August 09, 2008


A long time ago, Isis asked me to stop blogging, to stop living in Blogville, and to commit myself to her. Part of that was a demand for my first loyalties, which she deserved, and part of it was a fear that the veils of "anonymity" would eventually drop, and she would be humiliated and shamed past endurance. I was asked to think what my children would think of my blog, and of me. It was not a pretty thought. But I stayed in Blogville, and kept blogging.

The cleft stick of blogging is that by definition you are telling a story to people you don't, and can't, know very well, and there is no knowing where the ripples in the pond will spread. You want to tell someone, so you accept the bargain of personal disclosure for anonymity, and hope it sticks. If you maintain certain basic rules, it does. Up to a point. Unless something goes wrong, which it always does.

This is where stupidity comes in.

Out of sheer laziness, I removed the firewall between my online "self" and my self in the real world. I didn't realize what I was doing, but in having Google dump all my e-mail into one account, I was not only looking for trouble, I was practically begging for it. And last night the last straw hit the camel's back: not for the first time, I zipped an e-mail reply off to a reader, forgetting in my haste and pleasure at my quick response [ever so slightly fuzzy around the edges after that second dose of muscle relaxant] that the New Evil Empire lets you keep multiple accounts, but won't let you add multiple "signatures."

So, once again, I sent off an "anonymous" e-mail with my contact information clearly included. Think about it: this kind of defines stupidity. Doesn't it? The problem is not just what I bring down on myself; that I could live with. The problem is that, once the veils that have kept the dance less than X-rated begin dropping, the people who get hit are not me, but the other people in my life. Isis and my children have suffered enough as it is; you would think that that fact alone would make me take action to make sure it never happens again. What hit me last night for the first time was the degree to which I could also be making Big Trouble for the Goat as well. He is still working in the public eye, as is Isis, and is not as far out as all that--he is actually the one who would suffer most if the veils really came down. It could cost him, and therefore me, more grief than I can imagine.

It's not that I can't trust my BlogBrothers; it's that I can't trust myself. And I can't go on putting other people at risk. When I went to bed, and couldn't sleep, I realized that the only answer was to shut down the blog. When I woke up, I realized that while shutting it down was still the only sensible thing to do, I couldn't quite face doing it... right now, anyway.

But I have to do something, and this is at least a first step:

Please, if you have received a signed e-mail from me, delete it.

If you know who I am, and where I am, please, please, please do not pass it on. The world is much smaller than you think, and up in the Woods it is really small. Putting two and two together becomes ridiculously easy, so please keep a lid on it.

It's not about me. I can only ask that you think of my family, who would be mortified, and my Goat, who could suffer real-life consequences beyond the shame of it, should my stupidity bear fruit. What's done is done, and I will have to take responsibility for what comes, but I have to ask you to help me pick up the veils and put them back in place, whether I can continue dancing or not.

In the meantime, now that the horse is gone, I have barred and barricaded the barn door: the firewall between my accounts is back in place. And a fat lot of good that does anyone. I will continue here on a day-by-day basis, but I may be pulling the plug at any time.

Isis was right, as was so often the case.
And I am in the wrong, ditto.
God, I hate being so stupid.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Troll. What can I say? Been there, done that, still have the marks. Hopefully it isn't as bad as you think.