Sunday, July 29, 2007


I am leaving town for my two weeks of annual vacation, and between one thing and another, will not be seeing the Goat again for a month. On my return, his school and my school-related work both kick in, so for us "summer," and the ability to meet almost every week, which has made it such an incredible experience, is already well and truly over.

But amid all the sadness of the end of "summer," this last weekend was a source of almost unbearable joy: on the heels of last weekend's amazing show of heart-felt solidarity came a pretty much unbroken succession of proofs of abiding love on his part. Yes, I almost wept as I loaded the car this afternoon, but the abiding sensation was one of joy, almost giddy joy:

He loves me and shows it in the most tender and amazing ways.

No, it's not perfect: there was an ugly moment this morning when he kicked my feet off for the nth time that night and remarked that it was bad enough being either too hot or too cold, but being crowded out of his own @#$%-ing bed was the limit. I almost got into the car and drove home then and there.

I didn't, of course, though at breakfast I did have to tell him I had been tempted. How stupid that would have been; the final hours of my stay I can only describe as miraculous. He finds ways to express his love that make my feelings in return almost unbearably tender...

As I said to him in wonder before I took off, the miracle is that he has, in the last four short months, shown me definite answers to all my existential worries of a year ago:

I was absolutely sure I would never find anyone to love again, let alone anyone I could love remotely as much as my ex-wife;

I was deeply concerned that I would not be able to live as a gay man; and

even more deeply concerned that I would not be able to live with myself if I did.

Well, I did, I can, and I am so happy I can hardly see straight.

All I can say is this: in a world of woes, I can see clearly that my own were small and of short duration, that my blessings are literally numberless, and that the "greatest of these" is love. God's ways are not our ways, and his ways take time to see; his mercies however appear to me boundless and immediately apparent.

Let me remember this when this "summer" is over, when I next doubt my good fortune. I have had more than my share of blessing, that I always knew, in spite of everything.

But who knew that the great one would come in Goat's clothing?
I wish each and every one of you some such joy, however brief its life may be.
Myself, I take it a day at a time, and revel in what the good days bring.

Ubi amor, ibi deus est.
Where love is, there God is.

Hang in there, all.

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