Saturday, June 02, 2007


The Goat called the other day as I was wandering around downtown waiting for my ride back to the garage to pick up The Car, which would finally have its summer tires on and wheels all pointed in the same direction. [Turns out it actually makes a big difference...] I think I may have said before that I love it when he calls me, mostly because it restores some sense of balance, and isn't just me "hanging on." Plus, he is a self-described "dizzy air-head" and almost always says something that makes me laugh out loud. Our current sparring topic is astrology, which he takes, well, not seriously, but just a whisker too seriously for me to take seriously, if that makes any sense at all.

We do seem to have one Basic Problem, which is that twenty-four hours seems to be about as long as he is willing to have anyone else inside his "bubble," and that is "like, way not long enough" for me. It also always makes me feel like we are on some kind of clock... and I hate that. So I sent him an e-mail:

Here's what I remember: You are my Rebound Relationship. Since we started screwing around before you were technically rebounding, perhaps I am your PRE-bound Relationship. I'm sure all the know-it-alls know how it all ends. And they may be right. That's not really the issue.

The question is: HOW can we go forward, wherever it may be we're going? and I am absolutely honest and open and truthful when I say I have no expectations of you. I am doing whatever it is I am doing because I have no choice, and you are along for whatever kind of ride it is that seems to appeal to you. So it's a bit of what my Ozzie friends call a shitfight [mess]. What isn't?

There is so much to figure out. It's no good pretending I can go on pretending my life is about the occasional meeting of body parts. [Not that I don't enjoy it... it's just that the body part that needs tending is ALWAYS full of blood.]

But more to the point, I would say we had a major issue with this 24-hour line, above which you seem to get restive, and below which I get... well, to remain polite, let's say "restive." Think about it. I am not looking for reciprocity or commitment, or any of the scary things we girls are always going on about. Just trying to map out how we can continue and not either of us feel the worse for wear.

You're ever optimistic. That's ripe, after...
Oh, never mind.

OK, maybe that was stupid. I also sent him the last bunch of poems, which, since they are all about how the RBF has a heart and he doesn't, was probably NOT the smartest thing to do either. But it gets better. Based on the contents of the above e-mail, Google decided I needed to read THIS:

Hey Girlfriend, Be honest...

Have you ever dated the type of guy that left you constantly waiting by the phone with an uneasy sick feeling in the pit of your stomach? Or a guy who made you feel bad about yourself, but for some reason you couldn’t leave him? (Of course, that same guy, at times, also made you feel like you were the only person on this planet - you know, that “hot-cold” type). And have you ever walked into a club and found yourself so attracted to one particular guy, you felt like you were in a trance and literally couldn't stop making eyes with him?

If you answered yes to any of the above, it may be a sign that you’re susceptible to a certain “dangerous personality type” that psychiatrists have a SCARY sounding name for, which I'll tell you about in a sec... But first, I want you to quickly read through the following list of personality traits and jot down the ones that apply to either the guy you’re dating now or guys you’ve typically dated in the past:


1. SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, and slick. Not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. He never gets tongue-tied and has freed himself from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. An arrogant guy who believes he is a superior human being.

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION (PRONENESS TO BOREDOM) -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Often has low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because he gets bored easily.

4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, and will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever (in extreme form, he will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest).

5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS -- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.

6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.

7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

13. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

Do any of these personality traits describe someone you've dated or are dating?

If you answered yes, then you may be as surprised as I was to learn that all these traits are actually “clinical traits” of a SOCIOPATH (Source: Psychopathy Checklist-Revised, PCL-R; Hare,1991, 2003)...
and IF you’ve dated guys with these traits, chances are YOU are attracted to or involved with a

SOCIOPATH... yikes! Now before you freak out too much… I want you to know that you're not alone! I too was attracted to these kinds of guys (no wonder my relationships always brought me heartache and pain!)… Turns out there's a BIG difference between a "normal" guy you might date and a SOCIOPATH (a sociopath actually has something wrong with their conscience - they either don't have one or it’s severely fragmented).

SOCIOPATHs only care about fulfilling their own needs and desires - selfishness and egocentricity to the extreme. Everything and everybody else is mentally twisted around in their minds as objects to be used in fulfilling their own needs and desires. Not surprisingly, parental failure (usually fatherlessness) is the #1 reason why someone develops a sociopathic personality. Also interesting are the four distinct types of SOCIOPATHs (sound like anyone you've dated?):

1) Commons are characterized by
1) their lack of conscience

2) Alienated are characterized by
1) their inability to love or be loved

3) Aggressives are characterized by
1) a consistent sadistic streak

4) Dyssocials are characterized by
1) an inability to abide by normal rules

I know, I know... I was shocked the first time I read these too.

Okay, now getting back to MY story...
It used to be that when I went out, I'd often find myself attracted to one particular guy (and not necessarily the best looking one in the room) where all we had to do was make eye contact and it was INSTANT SPARKS… almost like some invisible magnetic energy was drawing us to each other… Every time this happened, I thought what I was feeling was PASSION…or love at first sight... little did I know that I was deeply attracted to sociopathic personality types because of MY OWN dysfunctional psychology.

You see, although I've never really had any trouble meeting attractive, successful, sweet guys… I usually didn't feel attracted to them. I always found myself saying there’s "no passion"… or they were too nice or boring. I now know that my concept of passion was really my addiction to the wrong type of guys… It turns out I was addicted to emotional highs and lows that sociopaths bombarded me with that keep me hooked... in “normal healthy relationships”, there tends to be a more steady emotional ride and you don’t feel the intensity of the highs and lows you're used to and, therefore, think there's something wrong or missing.

I was amazed to learn that our brains actually become physically addicted to emotional intensity and the more we subject ourselves to roller coaster relationships of hot and cold intensity, the more addicted we get (just like a drug). I didn't understand why this was happening to me and a friend of mine recommended I go see a therapist, so I did. Well, it didn’t take long my therapist to reach a very common conclusion – I had a codependent personality (which apparently explained everything)...

It turns out that because codependents like to live through or for others, have a strong need to “fix” people and tend to seek out relationships where we can play a victim role… ...and because SOCIOPATHs are so full of themselves and thrive on controlling and manipulating others, when us codependents and a sociopath get together, it’s like nitro and glycerin – BOOM! So how do you start from scratch and “learn” to date all over again, only this time, the healthy way? At first it was a bit daunting, but then I got excited about the concept of starting all over again. I mean, who wouldn’t want a second chance?

1) Get Out Of The "Denial" And Out Of Your "Situation" :
It's time to be honest with yourself and admit you are caught in this cycle of destructive behavior. Then you have to make a promise of zero-contact with any romantic involvement until you get yourself straightened out.

2) Seek Expert Help:
There are many resources available to you at little or no cost. Therapy is the best way to go as well as support groups such as Alanon and Codependents Anonymous. It's way too hard to heal without an objective, qualified, and non-judgmental help. Once you feel strong enough to date again, its time to…

3) Change Your Approach:
The definition of insanity is when continue the same approach over and over again expecting a different result. When would NOW be good time to change your approach to relationships and learn how to date the "healthy" way?

Here's the best part: I e-mailed it to the Goat.

Well, we'll see what happens.
Sometimes life is too amusing for words.
And sometimes I do find the words. Even if they're other people's words...

Hang in there, guys.
It beats the alternative hollow.

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