TANKING AGAIN... SHOOT ME NOW...

I don't [didn't??] think I can handle this.

I had patiently waited a week before pestering the absent Fox, and now that I had at last sent off an e-mail, all the hopes and expectations of the last few weeks seemed to have imploded on me. Once again I couldn't see how it will ever go anywhere. I could see all too clearly that my emotional life was bound to go too many places at once, or at least up and down in rapid, sinuous succession.

OMFG, not again...

I am sure the five of you who actually read this will remember this yo-yo experience from LAST spring -- and how cruel a joke is it that we are in fact coming up on the anniversary of my first post? Judging from the past few weeks' experience, I would say that hope survives loneliness and silence for about a week, maybe two; given that the best I can hope for is seeing the Fox once a month, this does not bode well.

If only I knew what things meant. There were so many signs that he might mean more -- but without the Faggot's Desk Reference and Signal Interpretation Guide, which I have tried to order but hasn't been delivered yet, I can't quite bring myself to believe that all the ambiguities will magically line up on the optimist's end of the field. So many leading questions, so many offers, even what sounded like an invitation to follow him out for a piece of his vacation, which I decided [late one night shortly thereafter, after many glasses of wine] was a faaaaabulous idea.

But I woke up sober. It could have been "striking while the iron was hot" and it could have been disaster: how long had we actually spent together, after all? But God, it felt good even to think that it was a serious invitation...

Up and down. Well, I guess I just have to get used to it, or go out and start all over again, which seems about as appealing...

So I watched For Your Consideration, and laughed, and decided life was really OK as it was. Had kind of lost sight of that in the course of the day, though that may have had something to do with the fact that I forgot to turn up the heat in the morning. I "woke up" at 4 pm to the fact that it was still 60 degrees inside, which feels... cold.

This just in: Dubai, Delhi, Lausanne [CH] check in; China moves ahead again...
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