Friday, February 09, 2007


Well, recently I hit bottom again.

The "thing with feathers" is looking rather peaked, not to say plucked. Something about having survived Christmas, letting more than a month go by, and still not having my act together, not having anything resembling a life.

I realize that I spend more time reflecting on how stupid I have been in leaving the only person I have ever loved -- and you have to admit, no matter how you look at that one, I come up looking stupid -- than in actually going out and getting a new life. It's as if I expect one to fall ready-made from the sky and land in my lap...

and maybe I do...


I am also beginning to see that even with all my best effort at juggling -- which is not very good -- I can't keep all my commitments in the air for much longer, and I'm going to have to let some of them drop. But which ones? and how to drop them before one of them lands on the floor in a heap all on its own? And how to do it without making friends into, well, maybe not enemies, but less friendly people?

I have spent so much time relying on the kindness of strangers and other friends, that I really have no idea how I will ever stand on my own two feet again.

Here's a question for you:

If you live in a fantasy world where members of the Chinese gymnastics team suddenly turn up on your doorstep, or straight young men with Killer Ears suddenly turn out to find you attractive [in your dreams! or rather, in mine], how on earth are you meant to come to terms with what life actually hands you?

Especially when that seems to involve realizing that just about everything you have done for the last year has been a Big Mistake. Coming out, moving out, moving away, the whole package. FOR WHAT?

Well, I just have to hang on and live in hope that some day I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel without also hearing an onrushing train. At the moment, I just don't see how things can ever go up again.

Well, I know someone who once said that he knew he was following a call from On High, and that he would follow it knowing that That Kind of Call always involved suffering and death. Well, it's one thing to write it and it's another thing to live it. It's not like I didn't know it was coming, but God almighty it's painful.

Oh, well.

Things have to look up again one of these days.
I'll just have to find a way to hang on until then...

Wish me luck.


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