Wednesday, November 15, 2006


I was driving to work the other day, and it was raining, as it has been raining for what seems like weeks, and I found I couldn't focus on anything on the road. Yes, the windshield was not as clean as it might have been, and yes, my glasses weren't particularly clean, either, but it began to creep me out.

A mile or so down the road I had a sudden thought, lifted one hand off the wheel to where my glasses live, on my chest -- and there they were. Then what was on my nose? why, my computer/reading glasses. And when I took them off, everything snapped into focus, even without "glasses".

What a relief.

A full day of work today for a change, churning out "personalized" fund-raising letters by the hundred. Christ, what a business. And half the jobs advertised, aside from short-order cooks, health aides, and carpenters, seem to be in "development". Where exactly is all this money meant to come from? Well, every hour spent forcing Microsoft to do my bidding is another penny earned...

OK, some 1400 pennies, but who's counting?

To God alone the glory
your office-bound


  1. Finally found the link to your blog. Read the Erhenreich quote. I loved Nickled and Dimed, haven't read this book. She's extreme, but she's smart, and she's a killer writer. You're amazingly smart yourself. Don't give up the search no matter how long the hours are.

  2. Hi Troll,

    A number of comments on my blog have suggested that maybe I am trying to tackle too much at one time...meaning the queer thing and the recovery. Of course since those are the two big issues I see in my life right now they are the things I focus on most - especially when I am blogging. I usually dismiss those suggestions because I can't really put my queerness or my recovery completely on hold...but what I do take away from those comments is that perhaps I should try to be a little kinder to myself in at least one of those two areas...maybe celebrate small victories.

    The point of this comment-out-of-control is that my wish for you is that you realize what an enormous step you have taken over the past year in moving on and trying to become more you. I wish you would cut yourself some slack. You have made tremendous strides. Sure, you would feel more successful if you also had the job you deserve. But that's you speaking. Listen to some of us who have the luxury of perspective on your life. You are growing. You are working. It will come to pass. Remember that thing called faith? That thing that you have more of than most of the rest of us put together? Tap into it. It's there for you too.

    Troll, I'm sure you've figured out by now that I love you and you can really get under my skin because I think we have a lot in common. Before you consider slitting your wrists in the event that might be true...remember it's only my opinion. And we also have a lot not in common...such are very brave. I'm a fraidy cat.

    Your brother in obtusity.


  3. I like what Flip says, very true. I think that the words may hurt unintentionally and do not accurately reflect our feelings and affections for each other.
    work: I worry that your current situation will apply to everyone and fear the same for myself. (regarding this and the previous post about work.)Perhaps part of the thing is we always feel we have to grow and improve as we grow older. The expectation is there in our thinking, but maybe that expectation is unrealistic? I'm afraid for the future.

    BUT your accomplishments and strides to accept your gayness can't be measured with "pennies."
    I think many are envious for this. If you look back, you may realize somewhere you feel a strange sense of freedom now.

    Hang in there.

  4. Tom:

    I think it's wiser not to carry a torch for the ficklest of muses -- small-town drudgery for me, I think.


    We are all trying to tackle too much at one time; and if we can see that, we can move on to what our wives are dealing with... I am all for being kinder to yourself; it often clears the air. But it's best, I supposed, dished out to those who need it most, as it brings along the opposite danger of complacency.

    I am often sorely tempted to lay the pain of my current mess at my wife's feet, which in my better moments I realize is madness. It just makes ME easier to live with.

    Becoming more me: hmmmm. I would have said I've been me most of my life. It's true that I'm a great deal more public about part of me, but it has been at the cost of another part of probably greater value -- as your decision to stay surely assumes.

    I am doing the possible, which at this point is putting one foot in front of the other, while I try to draw the conclusions of having made this "issue" central enough to the core of my being to lose my family for. Lots to chew on THERE.

    No one is going to slit their wrists around here. What? and prove to them all that I am a failure twice over? Not on your life, fella. So any possible similarities to other victims of the Epidemic of Obtusity weighs pretty lightly in the balance. I refuse to worry about my Blundering Misfit Index score.

    Nothing wrong with holding on to what has most value to you. I often wish I had done so myself.

    I collect brothers, and consider your nomination a compliment.
    Hang in there.


    Who has the energy to fear for the future? I have my hands full with the present -- and wringing my hands over what I've said at any meeting or event once I head home. What I wouldn't give for a switch to turn THAT voice off...

    I will return to that business of "gayness" in a bit -- the Return of Procrustes. The freedom I feel is "strange" indeed.

    God rest you, merry gentlemen.

    The Troll