IT IS FINISHED.

June 15th:

M:

I cannot deny having said "horribly hurtful things to you in the last three months". I am sure I have. But what I do deny is that any of it was said with purpose, let alone the purpose of making you suffer. I have probably been too honest about my own conflicts and suffering, and not paid enough attention to what my "truth" felt like on the receiving end. No, I know that is true: I have seen it in your face. But: should I have lied?

The fact is, M, that I feel that I am faced with the choice of cutting half of my limbs off, and getting to choose which half. It is not easy for me. I am completely willing to admit that I have spread my suffering around rather than keeping it to myself; but my not being you is an old topic between us....


June 16th:

M:

I thought about our recent "communication" on my walk this morning, and I can see that you should not have to put up with my vacillation. I may not intend anything by it -- I am wrestling to save my marriage, and to some extent my soul -- but it is cruel to you. I can see it. I just can't bring myself to make the clean break that would end it.

I do not WANT any of the things now happening to happen; they are sweeping over me in huge waves, and I can only say that the sea is very big and my boat is very small. I have been on the emotional roller-coaster from Hell for months now. I am sure it is no fun to get hauled in its wake, but it's also no fun to be on it.

I can see that I should just let you go, for your sake, but I can't bear the thought of it. I am being torn to pieces. Please forgive me. I am SO SORRY.

June 17th:

M:

it's true. I still love you.

But I can see that the only way to show it at this point is to let you go.

So, I will try to do everything in my power not to make you party to any more vacillation and help you to get on with the rest of your life. But I have to tell you that I had no idea anything could hurt like this. God bless you...


M:

Thank you for replying. Part of me was still terrified how you might answer. This is not my idea of what love was going to look like, but it sure beats love not being there.