POP QUIZ for OUR GENTLE READERS
OK, here are the $64,000 questions:
How many of you still want to stay married?
How many of you have given up or would give up sex with men to stay married?
How many of you think you can come out and stay married? How many of your wives can bear remaining in relationship with you once you come out?
How many of you have given up or would give up your marriages to be free as gay men?
How many of you think you can have your cake and eat it too? [That seems to me to be an attractive but essentially impossible proposition, but what do I know?]
I know that some of us married knowing we "had been" gay; others of us have discovered that they were gay without acting on it. I think that it is fair to say that what we ALL have in common is that the resolution of the issue is going to involve a great deal of suffering on someone's part; who suffers, and who decides who suffers? I am only now beginning to take on board the magnitude of what I am talking about.
I am also beginning to get the awful feeling that I am the only person out here on this electronic plain who is not at all sure gaining his freedom is worth losing his family; things are a little complicated in my case because I don't even know whether I could be happy living as a gay man, free or otherwise, which makes the thought of jeopardizing what I have seem a lot less appealing, if not pointless. But I would welcome all your comments, from wherever you are on the spectrum. If you have already posted your thoughts on the subject, send me a link. No judgments, no preconceptions -- I really just want to know where you are.
Thanks.
How many of you have given up or would give up sex with men to stay married?
How many of you think you can come out and stay married? How many of your wives can bear remaining in relationship with you once you come out?
How many of you have given up or would give up your marriages to be free as gay men?
How many of you think you can have your cake and eat it too? [That seems to me to be an attractive but essentially impossible proposition, but what do I know?]
I know that some of us married knowing we "had been" gay; others of us have discovered that they were gay without acting on it. I think that it is fair to say that what we ALL have in common is that the resolution of the issue is going to involve a great deal of suffering on someone's part; who suffers, and who decides who suffers? I am only now beginning to take on board the magnitude of what I am talking about.
I am also beginning to get the awful feeling that I am the only person out here on this electronic plain who is not at all sure gaining his freedom is worth losing his family; things are a little complicated in my case because I don't even know whether I could be happy living as a gay man, free or otherwise, which makes the thought of jeopardizing what I have seem a lot less appealing, if not pointless. But I would welcome all your comments, from wherever you are on the spectrum. If you have already posted your thoughts on the subject, send me a link. No judgments, no preconceptions -- I really just want to know where you are.
Thanks.
I know this was a while back, but I would like to answer:
ReplyDelete1. I would stay married, provided I found a way to balance my own needs against the needs of my wife and children.
2. I have not had sex with anyone but my wife during our entire marriage.
3. My wife knew who and what I was when we got together -- but she chose not to believe that it was necessarily a problem. I think that we could both learn to live with the elephant in the room, if only we could come to agree on what it means...
4. I am teetering on the brink of that decision -- it's not that I want to give up my marriage to be free to be with men -- rather, to be free to be myself.
5. My wife seems to think that having our cake and eating it too will be easy. I have extreme doubts.
When can I collect my $64,000?
Bigg:
ReplyDeletewelcome aboard. Well, that about says it, doesn't it?
1. Yes. Me, too.
2. Yes. Me, too.
3. Yes. Us, too.
4. Yes. Oh my God, yes.
5. My wife cannot imagine anything but total fidelity to her within marriage, and I have to say that I can't really argue with her.
I would also like to stay married, but need to be able to be completely open about WHAT I am with people, always remembering that I have no intention of telling anyone more than they want to hear, if I am going to stay. And there is part of me that can't bear the thought of NEVER KNOWING if loving a man isn't a thing I was simply born to do -- as Sean said, it really isn't about sex at all [the single most hurtful thing I think I have said to my wife yet, by the way.]
But I have offered to remain totally committed in return for honesty and openness, and I don't think that she can live with that.
That hurts me in turn.
Ah well.
You will get your $64,000 as soon as I can print it and get an address...
Thanks so much for replying.
It really helps.
The Troll