POP QUIZ for OUR GENTLE READERS II
I hesitate on the brink. Every word I speak cuts off possibilities, and I cannot curb my tongue. I find that the word I use to keep myself honest is the word that causes my wife the most grief. I am obviously bi, but "gay" seems to be the admission that I fear to make, so I make it. Why do I keep trying to buy my own peace of mind at the cost of hers?Well here are today's Big Questions:
If you have already left your wife, what do you regret most? What helped you most? But more importantly, what helped HER most?
If like me you are contemplating leaving your wife, what do you expect to find? What do you expect to be the greatest help? What do you expect to be the highest cost? And who do you expect to pay it?
Anonymous answers are FINE. But answers would be an enormous help. If you can pass this along the web to others [and Sunday's as well, I suppose], that would also help. I feel that I am operating in a vacuum here, and there's famously not much oxygen in them...
I was married for 10 years and had a good life, but it just "wasn't right". I knew I was gay, but was afraid to come out and didn't want to hurt her or my daughters. As it all turned out, everyone is happier. I believe that there are no accidents in life and we have a life that is purely temporary as the basic premise and things change. It always turns our perfectly for both sides. Think of this point of view. If you where her, would you want to be with someone who wasn't being themselves? Don't you both want the best of life for each other? Don't you think she'd be happier with someone who wanted to be with her 100%, not 97 or 73 or 68? Honesty, love, understanding, acceptance and discussing things openly and together will be great. Also, you might consider seeing a therapist for some ideas on how to approach it and work through the whole thing. I feel your pain, and I know it's temporary. If you'd like to write go to my profile and send me a not. I'm not a therapist, but I may be able to answer a few questions. You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteALso goood questions I would be keen to see peoples answers. IO am gonna place on my blog as well, since I am not yet in a position to answer them.
ReplyDelete1. I have not left my wife, in fact or in spirit, so 1A and 1B don't apply.
ReplyDelete2. I have contemplated leaving, and I do contemplate leaving, but I have not left. Like you, I "hesitate on the brink". I expect to find someone who will -- who CAN -- not only understand me for who I am, but value me for it as well. Love? I hope so, but I fear it enough to say, "sufficient unto the day."
2B. I expect my desire to be freer with who I am, and happier with who I am, to be my first and primary reward.
2C. I expect the loss of everday contact with my many, many children to be the greatest price to pay. I will pay; they will pay; their mother will pay; and this is why I hesitate.
My wife's greatest fear is abandonment: not the loss of our relationship, not the loss of our unique and exclusive bond, but rather losing the support of a strong father to the children, losing her financial and social security, and most of all, losing the "cachet" that having my last name in our particular location lends her. Which is not to belittle her, or to make her seem shallow; but she could find another man to pay some of the bills -- what she can't find is another ME.
Bigg:
ReplyDeletethanks for the post. That sort of covers it, doesn't it? The wrinkles are different in my case, but the general folds of the fabric are pretty much the same.
What a mess.
When I get past the pain I am causing [and even raising the possibility of coming out or moving out has already done the damage], I will try to deal with the lesser annoyance of what Other People think. At the moment, there is only one, and then three, who matter to me at all.
The Troll
I have been reading some of your posts. For me...it was simple...my wife left me because she couldn't deal with the lies anymore. She found another man and left. I was devastated for you see, I truly loved her...even as a gay man. 6 years later she is still in bad relationships and reeling from it all and only last year told me that life with a gay husband was far better than her life now and suggested a reconcile to which I declined.
ReplyDeleteAs for helps...I bought 2 (well many but these 2 were a HUGE help) books. I read both and then gave them to her. One is The Other Side of the Closet which is loosely where the name of my blog came from, and the other is Husbands Who Love Men. Both gave me insight to what I was doing as WELL as what SHE was feeling. Good luck and feel free to drop me a line. Though my blog seems like all is wonderfully great at times, there were lots of pain and heartache on the path. Go to my OLD webpages linked from my blog and look at the STORIES for the early times of my coming out and accepting the terms of what I was doing.