GOOD FRIDAY

I have hope, faith, trust. But the opposite of faith is not doubt, it is certainty. I know, somehow, some day, some way, I must face the terror, the darkness, the abyss. But I do not face it alone.

The opposite of faith is neither doubt nor certainty; both pronouncements are too easy and too comforting to our hope to avoid of the cost of real life.

To me, Jesus is the man who was always ahead of us, remains ahead of us in revealing the world to us; that means that the hour of utter humanity and suffering was in Gethsemane. The words on the cross, so endlessly repeated today as the depth of suffering and abandonment, are the beginning words of Psalm 22, and you have only to read it through to the end to know that in that darkest hour, he already KNEW what would happen. His faith was great enough to utter it when it must have seemed madness even to those who loved him most.

There is an ancient Jewish tradition that to speak the opening line of a psalm means to put the whole of it in discussion; I believe with every fiber of my being that such was his intent -- witness the otherwise bizarre replication of the vision of the Psalm in the actual events described at the foot of the cross.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer;
and by night, but find no rest.
Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.
In you our ancestors trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them.
To you they cried, and were saved;
In you they trusted, and were not put to shame.

But I am a worm, and not human;
scorned by others, and despised by the people.
All who see me mock at me;
they make mouths at me, they shake their heads:
"Commit your cause to the LORD; let him deliver you;
let him rescue the one in whom he delights!"
Yet it was you who took me from the womb;
you kept me safe on my mother's breast.
On you I was cast from my birth,
and since my mother bore me you have been my God.

Do not be far from me,for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.
Many bulls encircle me, strong bulls of Bashan surround me;
they open wide their mouths at me,
like a ravening and roaring lion.
I am poured out like water,and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax; it is melted within my breast;
my mouth is dried up like a potsherd,and my tongue sticks to my jaws;
you lay me in the dust of death.
For dogs are all around me; company of evildoers encircles me.
My hands and feet have shriveled; I can count all my bones.
They stare and gloat over me;
they divide my clothes among themselves, and for my clothing they cast lots.
But you, O LORD, do not be far away!
O my help, come quickly to my aid!
Deliver my soul from the sword, my life from the power of the dog!
Save me from the mouth of the lion!

From the horns of the wild oxen you have rescued me.
I will tell of your name to my brothers and sisters;
in the midst of the congregation I will praise you:
You who fear the LORD, praise him!
All you offspring of Jacob, glorify him;
stand in awe of him, all you offspring of Israel!
For he did not despise or abhor the affliction of the afflicted;
he did not hide his face from me,but heard when I cried to him.
From you comes my praise in the great congregation;
my vows I will pay before those who fear him.
The poor shall eat and be satisfied; those who seek him shall praise the LORD.
May your hearts live forever!
All the ends of the earth shall remember and turn to the LORD;
and all the families of the nations shall worship before him.
For dominion belongs to the LORD, and he rules over the nations.
To him, indeed, shall all who sleep in the earth bow down;
before him shall bow all who go down to the dust,
and I shall live for him. Posterity will serve him;
future generations will be told about the Lord,
and proclaim his deliverance to a people yet unborn, saying that he has done it.

But Gethsemane is where he is completely ours, at least until that final moment where he leans over into saying "not my will, but yours, be done". That is where humanity ends, and divinity begins. The rest of the week is just revelation to the rest of us. He crosses over in the garden.

DARK GARDEN
21 February 99

You knew the end
And reasons why
And still prayed
That the cup pass by.
O Lord, in dark Gethsemane
We see your true humanity.

And yet you prayed,
His only son,
That his will,
Not your own, be done.
O Lord, there in Gethsemane
We see your true divinity.

"I have hope, faith, trust. But the opposite of faith is not doubt, it is certainty. I know, somehow, some day, some way, I must face the terror, the darkness, the abyss. But I do not face it alone."

That sounds a lot like what I wrote to someone, perhaps even to Piggo, a while ago…

The relationship with Jesus Christ follows because he never lets anyone carry a cross alone – even HE had Simon of Cyrene to pitch in, so we know we have to welcome him into our degradation and humiliation and suffering, where he is completely at home, however embarrassed we may be about it — he was here long before we were… Now if Christ is promised as present in suffering and hell, how can we not look for him when we see our very loves and lives threatened? He is waiting for us to see that he is there by our side already, as soon as we stop inflicting pain on others and take up our own pain to carry it toward our own end. Taking up our own cross is always public and political, and always leads to a death; it is a prospect you can face [well, a prospect I can face] only if you [I] know that death is not the end.

I know that every time I have readily and hopelessly admitted that I had no hope of help but him, that I needed him to do something for me because I was helpless without him, something comes to me -- hardly ever what I hoped for or expected, but what happens in that moment of utter emptiness is that you are suddenly given the gift of seeing ALL the myriad things that can help you out and up... [Yes, I'm sorry, Sean, it’s those goddamn footprints again…] It is impossible to describe to someone who has not had the experience. But there it is.
Well, such is my stammered prayer now, and will be until my wife and I can find a common way out of this MESS.